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Count your Blessings

What do you have to be thankful for?

As approach another holiday season I believe it is important to stop, and take some time to consider everything in our life that is good. No matter what the current circumstances that you may find yourself in as you read this article whether positive or negative, I believe that each of us has more to be thankful for than we realize.

Let's start with the simple things, the ones we tend to take for granted. We are alive, we have air to breathe that sustains our life, we have food to eat, shelter, we live in a free society. We can think, remember, and feel. This list is endless but just these few are reason enough to be thankful.

Whether you are unemployed, own your own business, work for someone else in a career you have opportunity and the power of choice. You have control over where you live, how you spend your time and what you chose to think and learn. You can chose to believe in a higher power or remain a non-believer.

Every life has its share of adversity, trials, problems and pain as well as joys, achievements, happy times and positive memories. Life is not a choice, but the way you choose to live it is.

Every life has its order and chaos and pleasure and pain. Sometimes it seems that there is more pain and chaos than pleasure and order but remember, one mans pleasure may be anothers' pain. One woman's chaos may be another's order. The key to the happy life is not all order and pleasure but learning to learn from the pain and grow through the chaos.

It is easy for many people to only see the negatives in life; the trials, mistakes, failure, what is wrong and what could be better. Happiness is not where you live, what you own, what you are doing and who you are with but how you feel about each of these. Happiness is not a search but an awareness. It is not about more but enjoying what you have. And, it is not about where you are headed but where you are.

Blessings, a simple word. But one that can redirect the course of your life once you understand and accept that it is not necessarily the blessings you have that makes a quality life but your attitude toward them.

For me, I am happy to be alive, to be working, (some of you might not believe that writing is a career, but it keeps me off the streets at night) to have friends I can count on, to have family that loves and supports me no matter what I am doing or becoming. I am especially grateful for each of my clients and the thousands of participants in my audiences. Your confidence in me and your willingness to permit me to share my ideas with you is truly a blessing. I get to spend my time doing what I love. I feel truly blessed.

Could my life be better? Of course. It always can. That's what the future is all about, learning, growing, understanding, believing, sharing and becoming.

What do you have to be thankful for this year? Take some time. Think about it and then tell the special people in your life you care and thank them for their gifts of time, energy, love, support and understanding.

My very best wishes to you, your family, friends and employees for a happy, joyous, safe and memorable holiday season. I also wish you success, happiness, peace and harmony in the new year. Travel safe and remember, blessings are not circumstances but attitudes. I will leave you with a quote by one of my heroes, Arthur Ashe, "Start where you are, use what you have and do what you can, that is true greatness." Happy Holidays.

Quotes:

"We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full." Marcell Proust

"An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist run to blow it out?" Michael de Saint-Pierre

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I had realized it sooner." Colette

"One should sympathize with the joy, the beauty, the color of life-the less said about life's sores the better." Oscar Wilde

"Prayer indeed is good, but while calling on the gods a man should himself lend a hand." Hippocrates

"You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself." Ethel Barrymore

Book review:

Nasty People, How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them Jay Carter

This is a thought-provoking book. If you are being invalidated by anyone in your life or if you tend invalidate people in the hundreds of ways that might not be obvious to you, there is some sound advice here.

Rather than give you an overview of the book let me just quote a section and you decide whether it might be worth the $7.00 to invest in it.

"The invalidator uses various suppressive mechanisms to chop away at your self-esteem. He pretends to acknowledge something you are proud of then later makes some negative insinuation about it. He feels out what you think your shortcomings are and then often exploits them at calculated times when he knows you are vulnerable. He has to control you because he perceives you as being superior to him. One method of an invalidator is to keep you in a constant state of uncertainty. She rarely gives you an answer. Just vagueness-no commitment. She makes you feel unsure of your environment for long periods of time. For example the invalidator will suddenly become understanding, lovable, and very nice to you. Things will remain that way until you become trusting. Then with one swift blow, he makes you uncertain again by means of criticism, insinuations, or suppressed anger. Invalidators will also tend to use generalizations which are simply exaggerations of small truths. The more truth there is in a generalization, the more it can be exaggerated."

There is a great deal to ponder in this insightful book. I found myself laughing and crying at the same time.

A small price to pay to learn if you are an invalidator to begin to reduce this tendency or if you have one in your life to deal more effectively with them

Wisdom from the masters:

Deepak Chopra Ageless Body, Timeless mind

"Stripped to the basics, emotions arouse only two sensations-pleasure and pain. We all want to avoid pain and pursue pleasure; therefore all the complicated emotional states we find ourselves in are the result of not being able to obey those basic drives. Psychiatrist David Viscott has reduced emotional complexity to a single cycle that gets repeated countless times in everyone's life. This cycle begins in the present, where only pain and pleasure are felt, and ends up with complex feelings centered exclusively in the past such as guilt and depression. The cycle of emotions is as follows: Pain in the present is experienced as hurt. Pain in the past is remembered as anger. Pain in the future is perceived as anxiety. Unexpressed anger, redirected against yourself and held within, is called guilt. The depletion of energy that occurs when anger is redirected inward creates depression."

Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest

"In the Bible clouds are always connected with God. Clouds are those sorrows or sufferings or providence's, within or without our personal lives, which seem to dispute the rule of God. It is by these very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were no clouds, we should have no faith. "The clouds are but the dust of our Father's feet." The clouds are a sign that he is there. God cannot come near without clouds, He does not come in clear shining.

Is it not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials: through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something."

Dale Carnegie How to Win friends and Influence People

"The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely. Remember what Emerson Said: "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that I learn of him." And the pathetic part of it is that frequently those who have the least justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a show of conceit which is truly nauseating. As Shakespeare put it, "...man, proud man,/Drest in a little brief authority,/...Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven/Ass make angels weep."

Norman Vincent Peale, Positive Thinking for a Time Like This.

"One of the men I've admired most was the late famous Charles "Boss" Kettering, scientific genius of General Motors. He created the self-starter, Duco paint process for cars, and numerous other modern devices. He was one of the most stimulating thinkers I ever knew. At a dinner to celebrate the 150th Anniversary of Ohio's admission to the Union. On the program were Branch Rickey, Dr. Millikin, Bob Hope, myself and others. The toastmaster departed from the program and called on "Boss" Kettering who was sitting in the audience. He came forward and made a two-sentence speech which shall ever remain in my memory as a masterpiece. Referring to the emphasis upon history for which the dinner was being held Kettering said, "I am not interested in the past. I am interested only in the future for there is where I expect to spend the rest of my life. And with that he sat down amidst a thunderous applause.

To his aides at General Motors Kettering often said, "Problems are the price of progress. Don't bring me anything but trouble. Good news weakens me." What a philosophy.

Just a word: Truth

For thousands of years searchers everywhere have been looking to discover, define, understand and share truth. Truth is not just a word, it embodies so much more. There are scientific truths such as the law of gravity, there are spiritual truths such as the importance and power of love, there are business truths such as, the value of simplicity, there are relationship truths such as, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, there are metaphysical truths such as, you attract to yourself a reflection of your own beliefs, values and expectations, there are physical truths such as, no pain no gain, there are financial truths such as you get what you pay for, and then there are any number of miscellaneous truths that just are, such as, what goes around comes around.

Truth what does it mean to you. Is it telling the truth? Is it believing that other people should tell the truth? Is it believing your own truth as if that was the truth? Do you respect the truth? Honor it? Or does your idea of truth depend on the subject, the time and place and/or the person you are talking with?

Truth, become aware of it, understand it, embrace it, believe it, and share it with those who are interested. Truth Is. The Truth will set you free.

Closing the Sale

People don't like to make decisions. The main reason is they don't want to make a poor or wrong decision. Traditional sales closing methods asks people to make a decision. For example. Do you want it in green or red? (Alternative choice) Do you want to use your pen or mine? (Action close) Can we write up an order now? (Direct close) Each of these closing techniques, even though they do work, have two fundamental problems. 1) They ask the prospect to make a decision. 2) The average salesperson is uncomfortable using them.

Since people don't like to make decisions, I suggest you stop asking them to. Here is a simple close that I have been using for over 30 years. Make the buying decision for the prospect and ask them to agree with the decision you have made. It goes like this. Let's do this, is that OK? Lets. Arrange for delivery on the 15th, is that OK? Let's get together on Thursday at 10Am, is that OK?

This close works for three reasons. 1) It gets a decision made but the prospect doesn't have to make it. By agreeing with you they in essence make the decision. I have found that people want to get decisions made, but don't want to make them. 2) It is common language. I guarantee in the next 2-3 days you will either say to someone or hear from someone, Lets' go to the move, OK. Let's go out to dinner tonight, OK. 3) It is easy to remember, use and it gets the job done.

When you use this close the prospect only has three options. 1) They go along with both your decision for them and your recommendation. 2) They go along with your decision but don't like your recommendation. In both case you have a close. 3) They neither go along with your decision or recommendation. No sale. However using this with a qualified prospect gives you a 2 out of 3 closing percentage.

This is the only close I have used for over 30 years. Why, it works. Try it and find out for yourself. It can be used in any area of the sales process from getting appointments to confirming sales.

It Isn't Who - But What!

I am sure unless you have been in one of my management seminars you haven't a clue what I am talking about when I say its not who but what. Let me give you an example.

Suzy, a new secretary comes to you. You are her superior's boss. She says, "Harry, I have been observing the way we handle the handling of messages in the company. I have an idea that will streamline this process and save time and money." You respond with something like, "Suzy, what is your idea?" She now explains it to Harry. "I appreciate your interest and observation regarding this process but when you have been here a little while longer you will understand why we do it that way. We have learned that this is the most efficient way to handle this issue."

That afternoon, one of your long term VP's comes and says, "Harry, we have to improve the way we Handle our messages. It is wasting time, money and costing us business. I have an idea to fix the problem." He now shares with his boss the same idea Suzy did a few hours earlier. Harry says, "Great idea Billy-bob, let's implement it immediately."

Now you tell me, what is the difference between who and what.

It is not where the information comes from but what is best for the health, success and effectiveness of the organization.

In your organization, do certain people because of their tenure, age, sex, position or experience get more respect for their ideas than their lesser counterparts?

Do you encourage the upward flow of creative ideas? Do you pay more attention to people you like, agree with, or relate well to than those you don't?

Everyone in your organization can be the wellspring of information that can improve some aspect of their job or the organization as a whole. And remember those people closest to the actual issue, problem, procedure, policy or situation are better equipped to come up with creative solutions than those sitting isolated miles or light years away.

How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection

The fear of rejection is one of the major causes of failure today. It prevents people from asking for what they want in their careers as well as life in general. People who fear rejection don't ask for raises, a date with that special person they would like to get to know, more responsibility in their job, a sale, a new position and whatever it is that they want that they don't have.

Contrary to popular opinion, not everybody you meet is going to like you. You are not going to get everything you want or ask for in life either. So, what do you have to lose by asking? Nothing and you might just get it. The simple truth is if you don't ask you have little or no chance of getting whatever you want. If you do you have a 50-50 chance of getting. This is not really bad odds when you stop and think about it. People can either say yes or no. Oh yes, they can say maybe, later, some day or some other stall but that is just what it is, a stall or put off. Refuse to accept anything but a yes or a no when you ask for what you want. The road to frustration, anxiety and disappointment is paved with maybes and someday honey.

The simplest way to overcome the fear of rejection is to understand that:

1. Sooner or later someone is going to reject you so stop worrying about it.
2. When people reject you know where you stand.
3. Their rejection may not always be of you personally but timing, circumstances etc. might not be just right.
4. Don't take it personally without first examining the source of the rejection.
5. Some people just like to reject people, it is their way of invalidating or controlling them.
6. See rejection as a neutral concept. It isn't positive or negative but how you chose to interpret it.
7. See the rejection as an opportunity to self-discover in an area of your life that may require new information, an attitude adjustment or better skills.
8. Practice being rejected. Put yourself in situations or with people where you give them the opportunity to reject you. I do this all the time by talking to strangers. I promise you if you talk to enough of them that sooner or later one of them will reject or invalidate you.

The fear of rejection keeps you from enjoying the benefits and rewards of life. It keeps you from meeting new people, learning new information, and from experiencing new behavior, adventures and the rewards that can accompany them.

Next time you feel reject give yourself a high five rather than move to a corner and whine or sulk. Be thankful for it. It will give you the opportunity to grow.

From Tim's Personal Journal:

Problems are not negative but neutral.
Success is not positive but neutral.
Goals give your life direction.
Happiness is not an address.
Creativity can be a benefit of pain and grief.
Personal growth is not an option but are a requirement.

Its all about attitude - Patience

Everyone knows the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. Was this a story about patience, commitment, staying power, confidence, belief, perseverance, all of these, none of these or some of these?

If you don't know the story you probably can't answer the question. If you do know the story you may still struggle with your answer. So let me give you some help whichever group you are in.

You've heard the saying, I am sure, patience is a virtue. It may be trite but that doesn't alter the fact that it is true.

What is the opposite of patience? From my perspective it is rushing and expecting outcomes and results before they are ready. No one in their right mind would ask a surgeon to rush their heart surgery, a builder to rush the construction of their new home, although many people do, a cook to serve their food before it was done or a child to grow up and act 30 when they are only 6.

Things that endure take time to build and/or develop. The pyramids took years to build, a successful enterprise, life and career take years to build. To rush these is to lack understanding in the rules of medicine, construction, business and life. Think about a time in your life where you rushed an outcome and I will bet you ended up with less than your best or even failure. Think about products from the past that have failed to stand the test of time. Consider philosophies or governments that have failed to last. Reflect back on attitudes that have not endured.

Patience is difficult in today's world. We move through our days, impacted by computers and the flow of information at the speed of light. We have compressed life into a small box filled with microchips and circuits. The result is we want it now. We want to learn it all, have it all, become it all and do it all now.

The redwood grows slowly yet persistently. The forsythia pops out in April and is gone in May. Life takes time. Success takes time. Results take time. And time requires waiting. Lots and lots of waiting. We must learn patience with ourselves, our careers, our children, our relationships, our financial success and our lives. This doesn't mean we sit idly by doing nothing. Quite the contrary. Life only asks that we understand that what lasts must take time. How are you doing?

Perspective:

Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it.

What you focus on, ask for, wish for or believe in will one day come to you. The problem is many people ask for what they think they want, get it and then discover it wasn't what they really wanted after all.

Life is a neutral observer. It does not judge. It doesn't play favorites, pick on certain groups or individuals or give special benefits to certain people. It acts upon the energy we send out into the world through the spoken word, unconscious beliefs, conscious expectations, repeated behavior and casual remarks made in haste or jest. The unconscious mind can't take a joke. It doesn't care whether you mean something or don't. It treats each instruction, belief, statement with equal regard. It is not a judge and jury. It is a slave to your wishes. Now some of these wishes or beliefs may take years to be manifested in your outer reality while others may appear more quickly.

What you are getting in your life is nothing more than what you have asked for.

I know some of you may want to argue this point and that is your prerogative. I would only ask that you finish the article before raising your arms in protest. You may be saying something like did a young child of 3 ask to get a fatal disease? Does the victim of an automobile accident ask to be killed? Does a business owner who fails ask for this outcome? I can not answer each of these in the context of this short article. Some of those issues would require a lengthy treatise. I am limited to less than 500 words to try and convey a message.

So let me give you an example that you may be able to relate to.

Stop for just a minute and think about someone you are having negative thoughts about whether your spouse, employee, customer, whoever. Picture that person for a moment and consider what types of thoughts you have about them. Be specific. Do you wish for them to leave your life? Do you hope they will experience a negative circumstance? Do you secretly wish that your relationship would end? What exactly are you thinking about them?

Now get back into the present and spend some time evaluating the actual quality of your relationship to or with that person. I will bet that the quality of the relationship is reflected in its reality. In other words I will wager that you are experiencing stress that will contribute to the type of behavior that you exhibit when you are with this person. This behavior, as a result of your consistent dominant negative thoughts about them, is finding its way into the relationship with them. It continues to deteriorate. This continued negative focus, what you are asking for, you are getting.

Now life doesn't always send us exactly what we picture , desire or want to manifest. It observes our desire and gives us its interpretation of our wish. This may not mirror or want but the result it sends is in harmony with our secret hope.

What are you asking for today? I can tell you even though I don't know you. You are getting what you want, need or believe you deserve.

Short Takes from Tim's recent seminars or keynotes:

Management - There are several management philosophies regarding innovation, change and the approach to new markets, products, services and the development of policies and procedures. They are:

1. If it isn't broken don't mess with it, leave it alone.
2. If it isn't broken break it.
3. If it's broken fix it.
4. If it's broken, find out why it broke.
5. If it's broken find out who broke it and why.
6. If it isn't broken, and everyone else is doing it that way, find out why yours isn't broken.
7. If is almost broken wait for it to break, then fix it.
8. If it's broken throw it away and replace it with something else.
9. Keep breaking everything until you get it right.
10. It's broken and I don't know what to do.
11. It's broken, let's throw money and/or people at it until it's fixed.
12. It's broken, we never should have gotten into that anyway.
13. It's broken, let's fix it the way we always have in the past.
14. I didn't know it was broken.
15. It's broken, who said so?

There are others but I am sure you get the point. There are several attitudes that managers, business owners or executives have regarding problems, issues, changes and situations in the business day. After over 25 years consulting with a variety of clients in a number of industries I have discovered there are five basic approaches to problems or situations that need attention. They are:

1. We don't have a problem.
2. We have a problem and it will go away.
3. We have a problem, throw money and people at it to fix it.
4. We have had this problem before. And it wasn't solved the first time.
5. We have a problem, let's figure out why and fix it once and for all.

What is your approach? Or can you add some to either of my lists?

Sales - Prospects, customers want several things from their suppliers. Fair price, quality products and services and timely service. (not in order of their preference) Surveys that have been done of consumers say that most consumers want: Timely and responsive service first, quality products and services second and low price third. For over 20 years I have surveyed my sales audiences and asked them what they think is most important to consumers and the results have been consistent: Low price, quality and service last. We seem to have a difference in perception here. There are three elements that must be understood by salespeople if they are going to effectively deal with the price issue. First there is price. That is what people pay for what they buy. Second is cost. That is what they pay for what they buy, over time. And then there is perceived value. That is what they want for the money they pay.

Most consumers tell salespeople that what they want is low price when what they really want is low cost. Now I know that many of you will take issue with this statement but I only ask that you consider for a moment what you as a consumer want. Do you want the cheapest or that which solves your problem or answers your need or desire? Most prospects or customers want their problems solved. They know that you get what you pay for and that the distaste of poor quality lasts far longer than the sweetness of low price.

People object to price when they feel that what you are asking them to pay is higher than their perceived value. Most poor salespeople when they get price resistance, lower the price. Most of the time it is not a price or cost issue but one of too low perceived value. How do you raise perceived value? Find out what is preventing your prospect or customer from getting a good nights sleep and show them how your product or service will satisfy this need or want or even better exceed their expectations for value, and I guarantee you price will be secondary. Not, cost, but price.

The real sales pros focus on value, what the product or service does for the customer and not price. They understand that price is an issue but not the most important one. Price will always seem high when perceived value is low. The way to change the relationship between price and value in the other persons mind is to raise value. Lowering price only makes them question your original price as well as the lower price with suspicion.

It should therefore be obvious that you never want to introduce price too soon in the sales process until you have had the opportunity to build value in the prospects mind. If you have a price only buyer and they are out there you must decide if that business is worth it to you in the long run. I can only tell you from experience, the prospects who made a big deal out of price and expected all kinds of price adjustments ultimately required a lot of other concessions as well. Use their attitude about price and cost as a barometer as to the overall quality of the relationship in general.

Relationships - What is an anchor? And I am not referring to the nautical term. It is grounding yourself with a memory either positive or negative that reminds you of how you felt, what you did or what you believed when the anchor is thought of, touched, or focused on. Let me give you a positive and negative illustration of how an anchor is used.

Positive: You were in the courting stage of your current relationship and your significant other held your hand and squeezed it in a certain way whenever he or she did or said something loving. As a result you associated the squeeze with positive loving behavior. Years later, to experience the same positive thoughts, would not require any words just a simple squeeze of your hand and you would bring your consciousness back to the positive feelings you experienced.

Negative: You have just had a terrible argument with your spouse. As they are screaming at the top of their lungs berating you for every conceivable offense they slap your hand to vent their frustration. (they are not the violent type and the purpose of the slap is more symbolic than to inflict pain) The argument ends. You are back to being friends once again but whenever your beloved slaps your hand even if it was meant to be a loving gesture would tend to bring you back to the negative feelings you had when you were having your heated argument.

In both cases you have created an anchor for your consciousness or thinking. The key in positive relationships is to develop as many positive anchors and as few negative anchors as possible.

1. Why not look at the behavior of your partner and see if you can determine where and if you have created positive or negative anchors. Discuss them with each other and see if you determine their cause or origin.

2. See if you can identify all of your negative anchors and their cause. Can you replace the negative ones with positive ones. In other words see if you can give the negative anchor a new positive meaning.

3. The other thing is to see how many new positive anchors you can create to keep you, your partner and your relationship grounded in the positive rather than the negative.

4. Make a game out of creating positive anchors.

5. When you feel yourself falling into a behavior or feeling due primarily to the anchor and not what is happening in the present moment, stop and discuss it with your partner.

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E-Mail: tim@timconnor.com